the earth is not a cold dead place.

Well I haven't been blogging and updating a lot these days.
Lots of things weighed down in my head. i'm turning 20 in 7 days. And I'm really not feeling it.
I'm tired of trying. i just want to be free.

Here's a little song for you. I hope that you'll enjoy it.
Whoever you are, wherever you are. stay safe.

Band: Toe
Song: グッドバイ

I always wondered if anyone would still read my entries. My phase of constant updates
on this journal had long been gone. But I guess, this is the only place that I feel comfortable with
to share my thoughts. I'm left with less than 4 months of National Service. And frankly, leaving it would
be a bittersweet feeling. I've made friends, shared bonds with people from all walks of life.

Still, the hollow feeling never leaves. The same regrets that I have will forever remain unchanged.
And i feel useless. Everybody have already made plans of their own in the near future.
And me? I've got nothing. My immaturity back in the day led me to this. Uncertain and hopeless.

If only I didn't ask my parents for the freedom that I thought i deserved back then, maybe,
just maybe, things would have worked out differently. I didn't want to be a Close Combat Instructor.
I didn't want to have a mind absent with direction in life whatsoever.

I wanted to do well in Army. I wanted to make a difference in someone else's life.
I wanted to be an Officer. I wanted to lead a platoon of men to the highest mountains, a path towards change.
I've focused so much on that, when unknowingly, I've forgotten about my own. I'm always living for someone else.
I want to change and think for myself. I want to see a bigger and far more practical change in myself.

I wonder if that day will come, when this fucking dilemma ends.

"You make me stronger than I could ever know."

"I WILL BE ON MY FEET, AND LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN.
AND FEEL THE WARMTH I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SO LONG."
- A VACANT AFFAIR

I'm not sure how many of you actually read this, but I felt the sudden urge to get something down.
It's been almost 3 months now, and honestly speaking. It's been hard for me, and it still is. But, i'm coping real well.

However, the support that I've been getting, the friends I've been making, proves that there's something more
for me out there. I'm left with 5 months until i'm finally done with national service. I no longer feel the excitement
that I once felt about my ORD date. I guess, it's just another day and that the chains around my ankes are finally set free.
I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want, and not give a fuck. But I don't really want that, you know?
I want to matter to someone, I want to be able to share this joy, this freedom, that I will receive come this 5th of march, 2012.

I see something in you, but you're just too far away. And only if you'll read this. Maybe you might understand.

I need to talk to somebody.
talk to me.